End of Act One – The Astrolabe Theater Company

Poking a bit of fun at the structure of every single musical ever made, here is the end of act one

Well, folks, that’s it for this part, but before we go, there one crucial thing we need to do at this point in the show.

CHARLEY

Run for the restrooms as fast as you can

No!

CHARLEY

No? Sorry, folks, they’re all closed for cleaning tonight.

Theater owners must hate you. That’s not what I mean.

CHARLEY

Too late, some of them are already in the lobby in a state of panic. All right then, what’s your impotent message?

You mean important.

CHARLEY

Do I?

Stop it. They need to know that we’ll be back for more before we leave, and we want to give them something rousing to go out on to get them to stick around for more.

CHARLEY

Oh. You mean the OBTDB

That’s right. The Obligatory Big Time Dance Bit. Every show has one, and it always comes right here.

CHARLEY

Sounds a bit manipulative. Who writes these things anyway?

Playwrights.

(They doff their hats and bow their heads as a bright light comes from high in the fly loft, accompanied by angelic music.)

CHARLEY

(To the audience) Wow, that’s one big ego!

You just love this playing with the fourth wall thing, don’t you?

CHARLEY

It’s a hobby

So, any other words of wit and wisdom?

CHARLEY

Just a string of numbers

Numbers?

CHARLEY

Yip. 1,2,3,4

(Band kicks in as Charley snaps his finger and moves down center.)

Works like magic, don’t it.

THE OBLIGATORY BIG TIME DANCE BIT (CHARLEY, AL, CAST)

CHARLEY

There comes a time in everyone’s life

When you find yourself stuck in toil and strife

The best thing to do is kick up your heels

And dance

(TAP)

So if you find you’re way down in the dumps

Don’t wallow in the pitty, with all the other chumps

Just pick yourself up, kick up your heels

And dance.

(TAP)

And if you can’t dance, still close your eyes

And in your imagination, you’ll be

pleasantly surprised

To see yourself in motion, as you might have surmised

Never mind your circumstance don’t need to compromise

So just relax and nod your head

And well do the fancy stuff instead

You paid a pretty penny; that’s a lot of bread

So just sit tight and enjoy the night and the

Obligatory Big Time Dance bit

The big impressive number that just won’t quit

To make it to the end, you’ve got to really be fit

So I’ll be in the wings with an oxygen mask

It makes me wish that it was just a comedy skit

but you’ve got to keep it up to make the show a hit

Do you wonder how I sing as well, I have to admit,

I’m starting to wonder myself.

(BIG TAP BREAK)

So I’ll just stand here and wave my arms

And watch you keep it up and doing bodily harm

But even I admit that I am getting alarmed

And I just might have too…

Oh, who am I kidding…

(JUMPS IN WITH HIS OWN TAP )

The routine involves the Dragoons stomping along with the tap while sitting on their riser.

CHARLEY

It’s the Obligatory Big Time Dance bit

The big impressive number that just won’t quit

The way you know a show like this is really legit

And it’s time to bring the rest of the cast in now

CAST

It’s the Obligatory Big Time Dance bit

The big impressive number that just won’t quit

But now that it is over, you know it’s time to split

But hurry back, we’ve got an act two.

(Cast freezes, Charly falls backward, Lights out, curtain down, house lights up)